post-op sexual frustration

46
u/transthrowaway12121
Sun Mar 19 20:19:16 2023 UTC
*
(49 comments)

has anyone else dealt with sexual frustration post-op... i normally see it from people immediately post op figuring things out but im over a year out now and still struggling. it's not that i can't orgasm, but it's much more difficult and never satisfying. i was able to use my pre-op parts with my partner just fine, i had dysphoria about specific things but generally they did the job and sex was fantastic. pre op i looked forward to sex so much and now i kind of am just eh on it, like i dont know if i wanna go through the effort. now i feel like nothing feels good enough i enter that zone of just getting lost in the moment, whereas before just being stroked even was mindblowingly good. my clitoral hood is pretty numb and my clit is uncomfortably sensitive, so oral and fingers dont feel good at all, if anything more like uncomfortable. ive tried a bunch of toys and most are similar, all that really feels good is a magic wand and i hate how disconnected it makes me feel from my partner that they cant make me feel good and i barely want them to touch me. even before surgery the head of my genitals never felt good and now that's all i have, and now the shaft part that felt best before is just gone i guess or numb in places like the hood so fuck me i guess unless its secretly hidden somewhere. especially the underside of the shaft like?? that's the most sensitive part but it's just gone do they not use it?? it used to make me so dysphoric but now id do anything just to have 5 minutes to jack off and feel like a sexual being again dang it... like you know when you have good sex and just know its good... never for a second post op have i thought that sex has been going well.

now i can only usually finish with a lot of gspot stimulation from my partner or masturbating alone, in both cases with a really strong vibe on my clit, and even then its both rare and just not satisfying. even when i do cum i just wanna cry after. the journey to orgasm doesnt feel that good and the orgasm itself is weaker than what i had pre op by a mile. and my libido now is even higher than pre-op, it just feels like i have no real outlet for it, like ive lost the sexual aspect of myself despite literally still having sex with my girlfriend. just nothing feels right and orgasms are weak like im most of the way to not having anything down there at all. it feels like i havent really had sex since before surgery and im terrified it'll be like this forever. even if sensation wasnt gonna be 100% of before it just feels so bad that sex went from a special thing to a boring chore. i just wanna get lost in the moment and feel close to my girlfriend again but all i can do is feel like shit. even if we just cuddle naked non sexually i feel disconnected because my parts are either inside me or numb now like i have thick underwear on i cant take off. she's right here but my body aches for hers regardless

i hate how my anxiety gets me stuck thinking about this all day more than my dysphoria pre-op ever did. everything else went fine but the sexual frustration alone makes me question my choice to get surgery sometimes and its really spiking my depression. ive been laying in bed all day every day thinking about this and nothing seems enjoyable anymore i thought i did everything right researching and going to the best possible surgeon and religiously doing aftercare and everything. i love my vagina but the whole clit thing isnt working out i wish i just got penile preserving vaginoplasty or something, id rather even have my penis back than this fuck. people used to say penile preserving would sacrifice feeling in the vagina and i wanted a more sensitive one but it turns out the vagina is totally numb anyway ugh.

i hated my dick but at least i could use it for good sex which was really important to me and my partner and i feel like ive ruined my life and damaged our relationship, shes like a service top and now i dont even want her doing anything to me it all feels really uncomfortable at worst numb at best. im really young and i was having a good time exploring my sexuality already why did i do this to myself. i would do anything to go back, or to have been born a cis girl. this makes me more dysphoric than ever. i felt pressured that postponing would have made me need to wait a couple more years but i should have listened to that voice in my head. i just wanted to get rid of the remaining dysphoria in sex and all the non sex dysphoria but did i ruin sex forever in exchange... i was convinced surgery would be good for me but i wish i had more realistic expectations for myself than just thinking it would work out when i could have probably gotten by with the dysphoria without surgery. i hate that my worst fears that i kept telling myself i was just being anxious over came true. has anyone else ever been through this and seen a light at the end of the tunnel? sex went from a great part of my life to now the biggest issue in it and i cant believe im having a meltdown over just sex. i really dont mean to scare people who decide they need this but im in such a bad place mentally and i just want some hope to hold on to... like will i wake up one day more healed and things suddenly clicking :(

all 49 comments


u/[deleted]
Sun Mar 19 23:33:22 2023 UTC
(1 child)

[deleted]

1
OP
Sun Mar 19 23:44:07 2023 UTC
(0 children)

buying more toys is really expensive sadly. i dont think dildos have worked well for me unless you are using some special kind... i think a vibrator in me would be too intense but i guess i have to get one to try...

19
u/RobertaHoover
Sun Mar 19 22:56:51 2023 UTC
(8 children)

It took me years to learn to really enjoy sex post-op. For me it came down to learning to stimulate the prostate with a good sex toy… and learning that I prefer a good sex toy in the hands of a woman over anything a man can do with their penis.

The other thing is that like you I have a lot of numbness and I don’t get much pleasure from the clitoris itself directly. Rather what’s works for me is the nerve leading up to it, which for me is just above it. It’s basically in the place where my penis used to emerge at the front and then slightly cooled down to where the clitoris now sits. I have to be quite rough while stimulating it. But that’s the nerve that used to run down your shaft. Try that.

13
Sun Mar 19 23:04:56 2023 UTC
(2 children)

Further, this anxiety and poor relationship with your new genitals will make this difficult. Find ways to make peace and re-engage. You are on a journey, and even when everything is going well it’s a long road to discovering how to work it and have a good time again.

It doesn’t and won’t work like before. It will have new ways of getting off that you haven’t discovered yet. And there may be parts that are just never the same. I used to like receiving oral sex, and post op it does nothing for me. But after some exploration with a caring partner I discovered new things to like and learned to reach orgasms in new ways that I couldn’t before.

Before I had a partner who was interested in exploring this with me I got very little from sex. I had at least learned how to get myself off with simple masturbation with the aforementioned frontal nerve, but sex was surprisingly dull. It works now though. If I can get there you can too!

8
OP
Sun Mar 19 23:26:13 2023 UTC
(1 child)

my partner is very caring and interested in exploring... she loves my body and wants to have sex every day, even i do too because my libido is high from progestone but it always ends up being dull and frustrating for me sadly i usually just get her off a few times and want to stop when i have a mediocre orgasm or get frustrated trying. i feel bad she's trying so hard to make me feel good but nothing has worked yet i just hope i heal more

5
Mon Mar 20 10:28:43 2023 UTC
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(0 children)

Maybe take a bit of a zen approach. You aren’t going to feel the way you did before. Nothing works the same way. It takes time and patience to figure out how the new arrangements work. And your brain will reroute and relearn itself too.

Big orgasms aren’t something you are straight away able to achieve, even pre-surgery. It’s something you have to discover and teach your body how to do.

It took me months to have any kind of orgasm. A year or two of little orgasms. Then a good long while of decent but not spectacular orgasms by myself. But I could not have orgasms from any kind of sex with a partner for a very very long time.

It wasn’t the time passing that got me there in the end. It was a combination of relaxing about it, experimenting with my partner, then doing what she did to me while I was on my own until I was able to reach orgasm from that, then finally learning to get to orgasm while she was actively involved. It’s a whole journey.

And honestly, one of the things that helped with me was kind of giving up. Sex was enjoyable enough, but didn’t lead to orgasms for years and when I started being okay with that then it became easier to work to improve.

3
OP
Sun Mar 19 23:21:02 2023 UTC
(3 children)

i appreciate the help unfortunately i think gspot stimulation is more intense than actually pleasurable for me, i can usually eventually orgasm from it but its not actually that satisfying. i know the area you're talking about for the nerve its a little bit sensitive but not very pleasurable i actually often have the urge to rub there before but given up because it doesnt really do much i just get frustrated sadly

3
Mon Mar 20 00:45:51 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Gspot=prostate?

3
OP
Mon Mar 20 00:58:29 2023 UTC
(0 children)

yes

2
Mon Mar 20 08:51:48 2023 UTC
(0 children)

Have you tried „hitting“/tapping/bumping that area above your clitoris?? Of course start to do that gently … but that might work better than rubbing.

1
Mon Mar 20 00:48:54 2023 UTC
(0 children)

It's the same for me, the nerves leading to my clit is where I'm gentle to myself. I get a lot of the meltdown from oop idk I just take it as it is, seems to be YMMV for post op sensation. Wonder how real sex is Post op since technically I'm still virgin and just from making out with a trans woman I had pretty intense orgasms without any genitals included lel

5
u/OkManufacturer7293
Mon Mar 20 10:18:55 2023 UTC
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(3 children)

I’m in a similar position but not quite the same. I had SRS 11 years ago, it all went great, I have feeling and can get turned on, but I have virtually no libido, don’t get horny, progesterone has done f all to me, so I just have no urges to do anything. I was never sexual pre-op, I put that down to the dysphoria and hating my genitalia, but now think it’s something more than that. I just don’t work like everyone else and it depresses the sh!t out of me. I want to be sexual, I want to orgasm and cum and I just don’t seem able to. I’ve never been in a relationship in my life, only finally lost my virginity last year at age 42 and although it was great and a watershed moment, it didn’t satisfy me as I had hoped, it felt more like a chore to pleasure him. I hate my life so much and often wish I was dead. I guess one thing I have is that having nothing to compare to pre-op, I don’t realise what I may have lost. I just feel so empty inside, like what is the point of anything.

3
Mon Mar 20 12:05:21 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Try low dose testosterone. It should boost your mood and sex drive.

2
Mon Mar 20 12:08:27 2023 UTC
(0 children)

I have an appt with my endo next month and I’m going to ask his advice and beg for some help. I can’t go on like this

2
OP
Mon Mar 20 16:01:50 2023 UTC
(0 children)

this sounds more like something that could be hormonal if you have all the physical feeling there and its just libido good luck!!!!

4
u/Icy-Yogurt-Leah
Mon Mar 20 16:57:31 2023 UTC
(0 children)

i normally see it from people immediately post op figuring things out but im over a year out now and still struggling.

I Felt the same at the start, holdind out hope that i would figure it out eventually.

it's not that i can't orgasm, but it's much more difficult and never satisfying.

Its similar for me though i wouldnt go as far as saying it was an orgasm or climax. Its more like loosing the drive to carry on trying and becoming non horny and just generally miserable that "thats it".

was able to use my pre-op parts with my partner just fine, i had dysphoria about specific things but generally they did the job and sex was fantastic. pre op i looked forward to sex so much and now i kind of am just eh on it, like i dont know if i wanna go through the effort.

Similar but i was on T blocker for a year pre op so it didnt get hard at all, still had fun times with my partner. I was hiding mood swings, anxiety and generally feeling like i wanted to die during the year before the op. I was just hoping that i would be worth it once it was done.

i hate how my anxiety gets me stuck thinking about this all day more than my dysphoria pre-op ever did. everything else went fine but the sexual frustration alone makes me question my choice to get surgery sometimes and its really spiking my depression.

Mine didnt go great and i still have issues but the depression and anxiety is very real and much worse than pre op. I have told the replacement surgeon that i wish i had not had it done, its just not good enough.

i hated my dick but at least i could use it for good sex which was really important to me and my partner and i feel like ive ruined my life and damaged our relationship, shes like a service top and now i dont even want her doing anything to me it all feels really uncomfortable at worst numb at best.

As horrible as this sounds, im glad im not the only one that feels like this.

Things that i am doing that may help you in some way. * Topical T gel to raise my T to cis female levels, they were low post op. * Switching from oral HRT to self sourced EV injections to up my E levels. My GIC / doctor thinks 350pmol/L 100pg/ml is fine lol * Complained to the hospital to fix my pain issues, remove or replace the skin tube that i have with PPT or Colon. Doubt they will do anything though.

Honestly, I wish i had not had it done. Its nowhere near as good as the majority of MTF post op people make out it is, mine is absolutley crap. Its painfull 24/7, dilation is painful, it smells awful, doesnt self clean, its dry and i am so disgusted with it i cannot even stomach sticking a finger in there unless i wear gloves.

If you figure out a way forward i would love to know what works for you. At this rate i will not be around to see what its like at 2 years, already tried to end myself in December but didnt do a good enough job... just like my surgeon, half-arsed botched and useless.

13
u/megatonfist
Mon Mar 20 00:56:01 2023 UTC
(0 children)

While I am pre-op, it almost sounds like the journey I had when trying to unlock my prostate. It took me years since I was a kid up until only recently about a year into my transition where my brain finally figured out how to link pressure and pleasure. It’s probably something you have to really focus on immensely as you’re essentially rewriting different parts of your brain to nerves.

If you wanted to go an alternative route, you can try having sex on a small dosage of mushrooms (0.5-1g). There’s been anecdotal evidence of people experiencing sensation in parts of their body they’ve lost nerve endings to. It might help unlock that aspect of yourself; at least in my case, it’s definitely heightened sex with my partner, both on and off it.

4
u/Glittering_Okra_5624
Mon Mar 20 06:24:20 2023 UTC
(2 children)

You could try seeing an endocrinologist, after your SRS your hormonal levels might be off. Like losing those parts would have your T levels plummet and that could have an effect on how you feel and your sex drive / sensitivity, from my understanding even CIS girls have some amount of T in them. So having your hormone level looked at might be a place to start, it might not be what's causing your problem but at least you'd have checked it off.

2
OP
Mon Mar 20 06:26:39 2023 UTC
(0 children)

i checked a few months ago and my T was normal but i will check again soon then

1
OP
Mon Mar 20 06:27:16 2023 UTC
(0 children)

thanks its really helpful to have some ideas to look into and give me hope!!

u/[deleted]
Sun Mar 19 23:35:05 2023 UTC
*
(2 children)

[deleted]

4
OP
Sun Mar 19 23:40:53 2023 UTC
(0 children)

well i have all the time in the world to hopefully heal now i guess /:

7
OP
Mon Mar 20 01:42:42 2023 UTC
(0 children)

yes i stimulated early. i was told to explore when i felt comfortable and i was excited so i did in a couple weeks and had my first orgasm after maybe 2 months...

9
u/shinyfuture
Mon Mar 20 03:08:22 2023 UTC
(4 children)

This is so typical. Pre surgery adequate medical support and then post surgery - sensation loss and abandonment from medical professionals and the surgeon.

I’ve experienced complete loss of sensation and genital anaesthesia and despite reaching out consistently to surgeons, my GP and the trans community- No solutions, no support, Abandonment. And ridicule.

The best solution is consultation with a uro-gynaecologist in a country with a decent healthcare system like Thailand, or wait forever to be seen by local specialists who don’t have a clue how to help but are happy to take you your money, if you have any money or sanity left over by the time you’re seen.

There needs to be far more legal protections for trans individuals when things go wrong, surgeons need to be held accountable when they abandon us.

Good luck

4
Mon Mar 20 08:24:18 2023 UTC
(3 children)

dont understand why you were downvoted, i think everyone should agree on this, at least the last part

1
Mon Mar 20 11:10:22 2023 UTC
(2 children)

Because the sub is full of transphobes and bigots that can see me making excellent points.

That, and members who haven’t been screenshotted and made a mockery of don’t understand why the sub needs to be private.

Eventually when enough of our posts are retweeted and enough people are affected then hopefully the 1 person in control of this information will finally listen and restrict access.

2
Mon Mar 20 13:32:01 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Twitter is very bad place for trans community, everyone gets mocked. Please don't use it.

1
Tue Mar 21 04:06:51 2023 UTC
(0 children)

found that out today, how tf are all the people gonna say its a liberals website and all that shit, ive found maybe a couple allies or people who are just neutral, and tons and tons of transphobes, one is currently going to every post and saying something, like damn, dude must have absolutely no life or something lmao (i dont either, but like, shit, id rather sleep than do all that)

5
u/HiddenStill
Sun Mar 19 23:38:34 2023 UTC
(9 children)

Are you on anti-depressants or finasteride?

Sun Mar 19 23:46:08 2023 UTC
(8 children)

[deleted]

11
Sun Mar 19 23:57:34 2023 UTC
(7 children)

They can both cause sexual dysfunction.

Mon Mar 20 01:04:51 2023 UTC
(5 children)

[deleted]

5
Mon Mar 20 03:34:17 2023 UTC
(4 children)

Wellbutrin can be a good anti depressant if you want to have a good sex drive still. It took me a while to get it dosed right but I highly recommend asking your doc about it

Mon Mar 20 04:41:44 2023 UTC
(2 children)

[deleted]

2
Mon Mar 20 07:27:11 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Antidepressants, like all drugs, vary from person to person. Wellbutrin in particular fucked my libido bad. Lexapro also messed me up I think just not as bad. Not saying you should get off of them, but worth discussing with professionals.

2
OP
Mon Mar 20 07:28:32 2023 UTC
(0 children)

i will look into it thank you for the input!! but yeah the thing is its not even my libido thats the problem, it works fine. but my body just isnt enjoying things

2
Mon Mar 20 07:25:27 2023 UTC
(0 children)

Wellbutrin and Lexapro (but esp the former) fucked my libido. Also made me lose feeling emotions. It probably varies from person to person.

4
u/Fuzzy_Sir_6955
Sun Mar 19 21:54:53 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Who's your surgeon?

5
OP
Sun Mar 19 23:06:00 2023 UTC
*
(0 children)

(edited because im scared to burn bridges in case i go back, but they are a top surgeon) but everyone else seems happy and everything aside from sex is fine and i think this is more just a me thing than anything they did wrong honestly...

2
u/Ivanna_is_Musical
Mon Mar 20 06:17:04 2023 UTC
(3 children)

Was your partner enjoying you having male genitalia? In a relationship there are always two. I suggest to ask if your partner doesn't deliver the same like before.

Maybe it's not 100% you? Just think about.

Another thing is that female genitalia takes double the time to reach orgasm, while it's easy to get horny, it takes more to release the energy.

Practice Kegel exercises, they're easy to do and reinforce the pelvic floor muscles to them being able to orgasm with less difficulty.

3
OP
Mon Mar 20 06:25:32 2023 UTC
(2 children)

my partner enjoyed my old genitals for making me feel good, but i think if i had to choose she is actually more attracted to my new ones so that isnt a problem and its not her fault i cant even get myself to feel that good when masturbating

i know it takes longer to orgasm thats fine its more that orgasm isnt as good and i dont have as many spots that feel good to begin with /:

1
Mon Mar 20 09:56:59 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Oh that's great to hear, and only (my guess) question now is, if you're anxious for reaching orgasm and THAT's why you can't reach it? I had my 1st O while dilating at 4 months and it lasted so much time I couldn't believe it, and cried after that (happiness of course).

I know it's hard and it seems to never happen, but you're almost there! The build up is loooong, and the actual orgasm also is long lasting, the build up takes minutes, and the spasms lasts a minute or so (like, 4 times the old way).

You're doing good in stimulating the G-spot, it helps the build up, and rubbing the mons instead of just clitoris can lead to good orgasming. I'm not thinking you did a mistake, just you're too anxious for it to happen, I know how it feels the frustration, but remember you have a build up in course, just be patient and try to relax knowing it takes longer. I'm sure your gf can learn to wait for yours to happen.

A thing that helped me is, tapping the clit and the mons with a finger, but not abusing it.

2
OP
Mon Mar 20 19:20:15 2023 UTC
(0 children)

i can reach orgasm, the problem is nothing feels good

1
u/Wonderful-Welcome-73
Mon Mar 20 02:19:33 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Have you Tried scissoring?

2
OP
Mon Mar 20 02:40:22 2023 UTC
(0 children)

yes its pretty arousing and intimate but doesnt feel particularly good it more just frustrates me how my partner loves it but it feels like barely anything to me. like theres almost traces of something nice there but its not enough like scissoring felt a lot better when i still had my dick

1
u/Glass_Accountant2189
Mon Mar 20 05:27:15 2023 UTC
(1 child)

Who was your doctor?

3
Mon Mar 20 09:47:55 2023 UTC
(0 children)

Her doctor was Rachel Bluebond. We should be transparent and honest about our doctors.

1
u/Medium_Figure8049
Mon Mar 20 18:25:54 2023 UTC
(0 children)

Ohhh ,,, it’s not only who’s experiencing this…me I’m 2 1/2 years post op until now I haven’t experienced orgasm ….my libido decreases also … I’ve loss my virginity when I’m more than 1 year post op .. I tried to to orgasm every time I have sex but it’s hard ,, so I just pretend that I’m having orgasm just not to embarrassed My partner

1
u/LennysArtt
Tue Mar 21 00:07:14 2023 UTC
(2 children)

Hey, trans man here.

A lot of cis vulvas also have problems with their clits being overly sensitive, as well as the canal being almost or completely numb. I would start with recommending a TON more foreplay if you haven’t been doing that already to help with the sensitivity (it won’t make it go away but it’ll make it into a good sensitive rather than a bad one, in my experience)

If you enjoy anal you could try double penetrating with something small in the rear and whatever you normally use in the front (or your partner of course).. it could help you feel some sensation near or around the canal that is very satisfying. I don’t have a lot of sensation in the front hole besides all the way inside in the back and it’s hyper sensitive, even after a full hysto, but if I want to REALLY feel like I’m being fucked in the front, I’ll DP.

I hope this is at least a little bit helpful or comforting! You got this! It’ll get better :)

2
OP
Tue Mar 21 00:12:08 2023 UTC
(1 child)

i appreciate the help! we already do a ton of foreplay, we're gay women so sex is a very long thing anyway rofl... unfortunately the sensitivity is still not comfortable i really want to like oral or even just fingers or a toy but it feels even worse than it did pre op when i already hated that spot being touched sadly /:

unfortunately we both have zero interest in anal, thats a big reason i went for surgery to begin with

thanks though!

1
Tue Mar 21 00:54:34 2023 UTC
(0 children)

No problem! You’ll figure it out and adapt together! Think of it as a journey of exploration you both get the pleasure of doing together, even if it takes longer than most :)

1
u/[deleted]
Wed Mar 22 07:12:40 2023 UTC
(0 children)

I'm really sorry you're going through this stress.

Just because it's meh now, doesn't mean it won't change in the future. I hear the brain has to re-map things. Maybe it needs a few years to do that.

I've at times had zero libido, sometimes for years, albeit single, and I have a great life.

Hang in there girlfriend, you never know what's around the corner. It could potentially even be a poor feedback loop your stuck in - you aren't experiencing good sex, so you expect bad sex, you get bad sex, you expect worse sex, and so forth.

Try focusing on what you can do for your partner, and don't worry about orgasm/ejaculation. Sex can be mind blowing still - esp if you have that sensual, heart felt connection. Most of my cis- girlfriends have orgasmed maybe twice in their life. The male biological experience of orgasm is very very different.