Do you ever regret this?

45
u/[deleted]
Thu Jul 2 10:15:50 2020 UTC
(54 comments)

Do you ever regret SRS? I can't say I was botched because I wasn't, but I did suffer a lot of complications which then resulted in affecting my results. I'm able to have sex, orgasm, have a fulfilling life in that way but I still feel broken. I cry when I look in the mirror or in the camera. Everything looks so surgical and unnatural, I have too much erectile tissue, yet at times I absolutely love my result so its weird. I guess it depends on the angle and my mental health.

I don't know I feel like this all made my dysphoria worse. Having my revision pushed back nearly 9 months didn't help at all. I feel so hopeless. I don't even know if a revision will help. I traded a natal penis for an imitation vagina. No one in my life sees it that way, not even my partner, but I know what it is deep down. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. A lot of times I just want to end everything because it becomes too much. Does anyone wonder why they did this all? Do you have a love hate relationship with your body? How do I overcome this?

all 54 comments


17
u/Dimantina
Thu Jul 2 11:43:04 2020 UTC
(1 child)

While I'm waiting on even seeing a doctor to have a discussion about having a zero depth vagina...

You sound like you need someone to talk to in a professional capacity.

tel:+18773306366

It's the number of the trans helpline and they are good people. Honestly they probably will have some good advice for you.

If your country (Like Canada) has their own help line that can be useful to call away local resources are always good.

You are loved sister. Don't give up.

6
Thu Jul 2 11:49:11 2020 UTC
(0 children)

thank you for this <3

28
u/[deleted]
Thu Jul 2 10:44:23 2020 UTC
(4 children)

I'm able to have sex

Well, you're a step above me there. Like you, my surgery was a success, but then I had complications, and now for all intents and purposes, I have no depth. Unlike you, my results are aesthetically good. They look great in the mirror, but they're basically decorative.

I don't for a day miss my old configuration though. My dick was wrong, and did not belong on me, and I don't miss it at all.

2
Thu Jul 2 19:23:52 2020 UTC
(1 child)

I also had complications with my surgery and was left with no depth. It's so conflicting...I hated my original equipment and vastly prefer this configuration. But lack of depth has become a major source of dysphoria for me and not being able to use her kinda stinks.

2
Thu Jul 2 21:09:46 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I don't have dysphoria over my lack of depth, but I do struggle with being unable to use her.

2
Thu Jul 2 11:44:28 2020 UTC
(1 child)

I guess we traded each side of the coin. I think I'd rather have a pretty vagina than a gaping roast beef sandwich tho.

I definitely didn't want a dick, I mean obviously if I did I wouldn't have gone thru all of this. But having a fake vagina isn't much of an improvement either, so now I'm confused, lost, and sad.

9
Thu Jul 2 12:41:57 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I'd swap you if I could. A good looking vag that I can't use is... of limited use to me... It beats having a dick, but that's about the best I can say about it...

9
u/11com69
Thu Jul 2 11:48:41 2020 UTC
(0 children)

Well I got it worse than you in more ways than one, I am waiting for a revision right now and it going to be 1 year sense my butcher job I got on 7/15/2019 . I have no canal and wouldn't show whats there to any BF I had . So I have no release of sex at all my thoughts of giving up were just that a thought look at it this way if your having sex and he or she isn't leaving you just think what is going to do for them when your happy again , revisions work I have friends I have seen and they do wonders I pray that yours and mine will be great . With Love TG Jillian

u/[deleted]
Thu Jul 2 14:05:54 2020 UTC
(2 children)

[deleted]

3
Thu Jul 2 18:15:45 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I so feel this, I'm sorry youre going thru this as well

1
u/52jag
Thu Jul 2 20:08:55 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I’m sorry to hear about your poor results. I have been hesitant to get SRS and actually spinal surgeries have been more important right now. But I feel our community needs be realistic to understand that it’s probably pretty likely we will have complications and perhaps insufficent depth or width for PiV sex. To get a beautiful result may require several surgeries and indeed labiplasties are pretty popular with CIS women. I would like to go to Thailand with Dr. Suporn/Bank because their results seem to be more consistantly vulva like. But I realize I am not in the health to go through their grueling recovery and to spend a month or more away from my elderly mother, husband and cats (my kids). I guess I’m rambling-my point is that this surgery is almost assured of some sort of complication or unwanted side effects.

31
u/kitanokikori
Thu Jul 2 12:41:17 2020 UTC
(12 children)

One thing I think sometimes is a problem for trans women is that they sometimes have a really really high expectation for what a vagina is "supposed" to look like, especially if they haven't had many partners who are natal vagina owners. Vaginas have a lot of different looks! And tbh many actual humans don't have these pornstar vags. That's okay!

10
Thu Jul 2 16:22:53 2020 UTC
(1 child)

^ This! Quit looking at airbrushed pictures of what the "Ideal" is supposed to be in some artists imagination. They all look different, just like dicks and they are just like anything else. You are blessed to be able to be whole and functional which is something I will never have because innovation in surgery going the other way is not a priority in the medical world. Spend some time loving yourself and perhaps finding a good counselor who can guide you into seeing yourself as the beautiful person you are. Its a hard path we walk on, and being hard on ourselves is often the worst part of it. Youve got this!

3
Thu Jul 2 18:01:30 2020 UTC
(0 children)

It really sucks that the options for men have so many caveats, hoping that someday that isn't the case

6
Thu Jul 2 16:37:56 2020 UTC
(0 children)

An artist has been making carts of women's genitals to address this very issue. Don't know if op can find one that looks similar to her's but it might be worth trying. https://news.artnet.com/market/jamie-mccartney-vagina-sculptures-321901

5
Thu Jul 2 17:51:41 2020 UTC
(0 children)

This!!!

The natal vagina owners I have been with have had wildly varied looking vaginas. What you see on porn isn't even average. I am more fortunate, I don't get most of my dysphoria from my penis, but other side effects from the orchie means I am looking at SRS anyways.

I worry it won't be functional more than looks, but I suspect its because I have seen enough vaginas that almost all the ones I have seen post-surgically look similar to natal owned ones.

That being said, I am so sorry about how you feel and you have all rights to share that with us and we will support you!!!

6
Thu Jul 2 18:29:05 2020 UTC
*
(7 children)

this isn't about having a pornstar vag, or a perfect vagina. i get that most cis women don't. And it's really reductive to act like that's all my issues are.

but it's disingenuous to act like what we have isn't different and the way both come into the world is very different. a weird cis vagina still looks natal, whereas a weird surgical vagina can look really really scary.

I also don't think most cis women deal with hair in their vagina, erectile tissue engorging the way a penis would anytime they want to be intimate, and labia that are so small that they basically aren't even there that leave everything gaping when spread. While I've never slept with a woman I have with trans men. I know what vaginas are supposed to do when aroused and what they look like. It's not that i'm ignorant towards what is average.

im sorry but this is so much more than looking at "airbrushed porn vags" or whatever, this about just feeling aligned and somewhat normal with what the majority of women have.

5
Thu Jul 2 19:04:31 2020 UTC
(4 children)

I'm certainly not claiming it's identical, only that maybe the differences don't matter as much to other people as you might think they do, and that you might be letting these differences bother you more, because of dysphoria and internalized transphobia

Because like, it's not "weird" - it's just different , and the idea that these differences are something to be Ashamed Of, just is Not True

2
Thu Jul 2 19:15:31 2020 UTC
(2 children)

me wanting an as close to normal vagina as possible that deals with things within typical experience is not internalized transphobia.

please don't armchair diagnose me. these differences suck. i'm sorry but these aren't small unnoticeable differences that are just my issue, these are things very clearly there.

differences are okay, sure. but complications leaving a debilitating state of mind and physical issues are not okay and i'm allowed to express the shame i feel around it.

it just sucks bc I feel like whenever I do it's always shut down in some way. oh no one notices, oh no will care, oh vaginas come in all different shapes. it's! not! about! that! obviously me living in this body and feeling this way is what matters. idc about the outside prespective. i just wanna fix what's not whole within.

2
Thu Jul 2 23:09:38 2020 UTC
(1 child)

i just wanna fix what's not whole within.

Can you expand on this? I'm curious. You've discounted a lot of people thoughts, so what do you believe that's not whole?

1
Fri Jul 3 00:07:42 2020 UTC
(0 children)

Like, the sense of being done with all this shit and being able to just live again

Thu Jul 2 23:08:25 2020 UTC
(1 child)

[deleted]

1
Fri Jul 3 00:01:24 2020 UTC
(0 children)
  1. The trans men I've been with were pre-HRT so there wasn't any genital changes due to T.
  2. Cis women have erectile tissue in the labia minora yes, but they don't have copious amounts of it. The erectile tissue I'm referring to is in the vestibule and urethra and protrudes enormously during arousal. That is atypical, and cis women do not deal with this kind of issue. Even my surgeon said my erectile tissue was atypical.
  3. Look, the majority of cis women don't get hair in their vagina. I have never ever ever met a cis woman who has ever dealt with this. It's still abnormal.
  4. Usually cis women receive labiaplasty to reduce the size of their labia, not to actually construct a labia minora in the first place.

I understand you're trying to justify this as normal but please please please trust me when I say these are issues pretty much exclusive to post-op anatomy. While yes there may be cis variations, they do differ greatly and its disingenuous to act like it doesn't.

7
u/laylafawngarcia cisgender
cisgender
Thu Jul 2 15:47:08 2020 UTC
(1 child)

I think you hit the nail on the head. This is complicated stuff. Your dysphoria has a lot to do with your mental health and headspace. Talk to your partner about your feelings as well as a therapist, hopefully with experience treating trans patients. You are beautiful and valid and deserve to be happy. Work towards believing that, every single day.

1
Thu Jul 2 18:18:00 2020 UTC
(0 children)

thank you so much <3

5
u/Karla2224
Thu Jul 2 14:23:53 2020 UTC
(1 child)

When you got your letters for SRS, did your psychiatrists asks you if you’re okay about the aesthetics not being good? That was one of the questions they asked me. We talked about all the possible negative outcomes and made sure I was okay with it.

Many trans believe that SRS will solve all of their problems but it never will. It’s only a step to healing. To some, it may make the whole situation worst.

Personally, I don’t ever regret my SRS. I made sure that it was what I wanted. And my psychiatrists made sure that it was what I wanted no matter what. They checked my expectations, realities,and fantasies to ensure I was making the right decision for myself.

2
Thu Jul 2 18:15:04 2020 UTC
(0 children)

Honestly not really, they kind of fed me the narrative it'd be a cisgender vagina and my stupid teenage self believed them. My doctors were really negligent when it came to my mental health and assumed since I transitioned young that i'd obviously want vaginaplasty

10
u/TBoyCodyLee
Thu Jul 2 17:54:09 2020 UTC
*
(2 children)

I'm FTM and without surgeries so far so maybe this isn't my place, but it breaks my heart to read this. Look at it this way: probably 80% of cis women are self conscious about their vaginas. They all look different and most of the ones you're seeing are going to be the more attractive ones and that's why they're showing them off. The fact that you're able to have a fulfilling sex life is a blessing, and many cis women cannot even achieve orgasm or be penetrated without pain, so this also goes for those of you saying you regret surgery because of those reasons. Yeah it sucks, but you're not alone, and it doesn't mean you're broken or you're not a "real" woman.

I think you will get used to it. Cis women also become more comfortable with their genitals the older they get (or in your case, the longer you have a vagina) usually. Try and look on the bright side about the conveniences not having a penis has brought you like not having to tuck, etc. And like another poster said, try looking at some pictures of real average cis woman genitals. There are some real "ugly" ones out there and they can all get someone to fuck them happily lol

Having a love hate relationship with your body is part of being a woman, especially early on, and maybe you expected that to go away with SRS, but that's usually not how it works.

Stay strong. 💜

3
Thu Jul 2 18:20:08 2020 UTC
(1 child)

this was amazing to read, thank you so much for this

4
Thu Jul 2 19:40:05 2020 UTC
(0 children)

Glad to help. Everyone has insecurities. Sometimes it's easy to forget it's not just a trans thing.

3
u/taiRewro
Thu Jul 2 16:00:18 2020 UTC
*
(1 child)

I don't at all, I've been fortunate though in everything works and it looks okay - I've seen prettier and worse. The scars are much less noticable now, but that took many years.

It took me a long time to stop having nightmares about becomming untucked in situation where it would be socially awkward, or somehow I still had a penis sticking out of me. - This went on for like 10 years.... I'd wake up, check and then everything was fine again. They wern't that frequent, but they were truely disturbing.

1
Thu Jul 2 18:16:28 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I get dreams like that all the time. All the time. Almost every night. I hope it ends one day.

12
u/Diana6672
Thu Jul 2 11:34:27 2020 UTC
*
(3 children)

Hallo.

I've had 1.5 years since my surgery.

And I don't want anything.

The only thing I'm sorry I didn't do it before.

Member. that was the creepiest thing I could get at birth.

From the point of view of aesthetics, I like everything.

-6
Thu Jul 2 11:42:51 2020 UTC
(2 children)

that's great and all you are happy with results, but not to be rude but this kind of post is not directed towards people like yourself. If you're happy - great, I don't need more positive memoirs to feed the narrative honestly, I just wanted clarity or advice on dealing with regret or trauma around it.

25
Thu Jul 2 12:26:45 2020 UTC
(1 child)

I mean, your opening question was, "Do you regret SRS?" Some portion of the folx here (probably a big portion!) are gonna say "No I don't". You should probably reword your post with what you said in this comment if you only want to hear from people who had an unsatisfactory result

2
Thu Jul 2 18:13:42 2020 UTC
*
(0 children)

yeah but if you read the rest of the post it clearly says I'm looking for advice on how to deal with it. loving your results in the typical experience, that doesnt help me at all

​

whatever i worded it wrong

2
u/Melissa7d
Thu Jul 2 13:15:41 2020 UTC
(0 children)

You might want to get a revision if you can. Otherwise therapy helps.

u/[deleted]
Thu Jul 2 18:33:10 2020 UTC
*
(3 children)

[deleted]

1
Thu Jul 2 18:47:27 2020 UTC
(2 children)

it really does do a disservice. i was naive and a teenager so i believed them when they said i'd have a comparably cis vagina. what would they know about it? i was so unprepared. if i knew all this going in i definitely wouldnt put myself thru it

Thu Jul 2 19:04:41 2020 UTC
*
(1 child)

[deleted]

1
Thu Jul 2 19:19:20 2020 UTC
(0 children)

yeah doctors are really ignorant when it comes to this. either they think it's light surgery, or produces results that are identical. its kinda baffling how willfully ignorant a lot of them remain towards it. i dont blame them tho, it's probably just a blip on their radar anyway

2
u/[deleted]
Fri Jul 3 00:19:29 2020 UTC
(0 children)

Thanks for anyone who attempted to help, I'm gonna peace out from this post for now.

3
u/MyUntoldSecrets
Thu Jul 2 12:53:17 2020 UTC
*
(3 children)

I got a good result but thinking about the scenario when it would have been botched:

I don't think there would be any regret. I know the reason I got in there and how the bottom dysphoria made me feel. I was aware there's a possibility it would end up in a mess but for me all I wanted is that thing gone. The rest was a bonus for me for which I could influence the chances at best by choosing a good surgeon. It was never a guarantee.

Retrospect I could say it wouldn't have been so bad to keep the parts but on the other hand there's a painful reminder in my brain how that actually felt for me and how far it did drive me. There's no way I could have blamed my past self and I'd do it again in that situation no matter the odds.

In case of a mess I would have lost something I could technically do previously but I don't wanna put myself into the delusion I would have enjoyed or could have lived with that long term.

3
Thu Jul 2 18:57:07 2020 UTC
(2 children)

see, that's what everyone says. but if you were genuinely botched or suffered horrid complications i'm sure your outlook would be different.

i also thought i'd love my vagina no matter the circumstance or outcome, but having a surgically messed up vagina has taught me that changes real quick when you actually endure the consequences. it makes you realize things you never even dreamed to think about. having a penis sucks, but dealing with pain and infections is just unarguably worse. i traded emotional pain for both emotional and physical pain. tucking was a blip compared to the bloody UTIs, granulation tissue, swollen labia, etc.

the painful reminders are still there. they never leave. maybe if you have a great result they do, but not how it went for me

3
Thu Jul 2 19:20:48 2020 UTC
(1 child)

i'm sure your outlook would be different.

Well it would have left me with the same option as before. I will stick with I'd do it again. My only alternate was death. The need for it was severe. Our experience might not compare well in that regard. I rather try and then fail than straight out fail.

It must be horrible to live with a botched result and I'm sure it takes a lot of strength.

1
Thu Jul 2 19:23:35 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I wasn't even botched technically so I can't even imagine the pain of someone with a situation worse than mine.

u/[deleted]
Thu Jul 2 15:13:49 2020 UTC
(5 children)

[removed]

4
Thu Jul 2 16:11:32 2020 UTC
(2 children)

That sub is run by TERFs who want to gaslight every trans person into detransitioning. /r/actual_detrans is a much better sub.

1
Thu Jul 2 18:31:53 2020 UTC
*
(0 children)

I'm still trans and not interested in detransitioning. tho sometimes I wish I could.

I actually tried that bc I felt so sad and disconnected from my body.

but being a boy with a surgical vagina is arguably a worse existence.

1
Fri Jul 3 08:37:53 2020 UTC
(0 children)

I added /r/actual_detrans to the sidebar here. It should be better known.

3
Thu Jul 2 16:11:54 2020 UTC
(0 children)

/r/actual_detrans might be better. The one you noted is well known to have a lot of trolls and TERFs.

1
Thu Jul 2 16:39:35 2020 UTC
*
(0 children)

This is extremely bad advice. [REDACTED SHITTY SUB] is a place where TERFs prey on the most vulnerable people to convince them of some really shitty ideas about their own self-worth, literally to intentionally hurt them. Please don't point anyone towards that sub.

2
u/linc_oof
Thu Jul 2 13:19:32 2020 UTC
(0 children)

while im not in your shoes, i assure you a revision will help. things will get better as time goes on. vaginas aren't pretty! it's okay to have an ugly vagina, and time, healing, revision, and acceptance will all help you love yourself. <3

3
u/[deleted]
Thu Jul 2 14:27:54 2020 UTC
(1 child)

I don't regret mine but here's a story for ya

My cis wife's BFF apparently has a "roast-beefy" looking vulva. She literally has to fold her labia in so they're not hanging out the sides of her undies.

She's not happy with it but no partner she's ever had has cared one bit.

My point is simply - all vaginas are different and you absolutely can't go by what you see in porn as a benchmark. A lot of cis vulvas aren't great to look at either

1
Thu Jul 2 18:34:04 2020 UTC
(0 children)

it's not that my labia are long that I say that, in fact if they were I'd probably feel more comfortable, they're just misshapen and weird and the inner ones are barely there. It literally looks like roast beef, and while whoever I sleep with might not care I definitely do and it makes me uncomfortable

I also have seen all kinds of vaginas in porn so im kinda confused why people keep mentioning this aspect as if porn only showcases one kind of vagina

1
u/throwaway2550-2
Thu Jul 2 16:07:03 2020 UTC
(0 children)

My partner and I both got it a couple months from each other and supported each other through it. While I don't regret this at all, she talks about it a lot.

Not in a dysphoric sense, just in a functional sense. She misses the simplicity of old parts when it comes to sex and the functions behind it. She didn't realize what she was getting into with just having a vagina and it has been really frustrating for her to cope. We have a lot of conversations about it.

I would really recommend some professional help, as others have.

1
u/IveSeenHerbivore1
Wed Jul 8 12:27:56 2020 UTC
(0 children)

Sounds like you might benefit from therapy or counseling. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Hugs.