Dilation and post-op depression

Sun Jun 6 17:56:27 2021 UTC

(14 comments)

Hello! Trans woman here; 4 weeks post-op PI vaginoplasty with Dr. Satterwhite in San Francisco.

I've been feeling really down lately. I certainly don't regret my procedure, but I think not enough discussion is given to the emotional (rather than just physical) toll that dilation has on early-stage post-op trans women.

I want to be incredibly clear; I'm super happy with my results (both functional and aesthetic) and overall, healing from surgery itself has gone incredibly well; much better than I expected. My body is being a real champ in that regard, and I appreciate the effort it's putting in.

But the fact is that, when it comes to dilation, I basically have to go to war with my body three times a day to coerce it into remaining in the shape it ought to. This feels in incredibly sharp contrast to most of my transition up to here—E2/P4 and spiro work quietly behind the scenes, and it feels like they're just reminding my body of how it already knows it should be.

I'm so tired of this fight. I just want my body to accept this change like it accepted fat redistribution from E2 and P4; like it listened to spiro and quieted its own body hair follicles. Pre-op, I had gotten to a place where, even if I wasn't happy with what was down there, I didn't constantly see my body as my enemy. It just needed periodic nudging, and it worked with me when I prompted it.

I want that peace back so badly. And the idea of it taking another two months to go down to twice a day, then three more to once a day, feels like an impossibly long time to wait when I'm living six or seven hours at a time between (uncomfortable, tedious, disruptive) dilations.

Does anyone have any other thoughts on how dilation contributes to post-op depression? Does anyone have ideas on alternate viewpoints I can try on to make dilation feel less... combative?

u/EmmaLake

Mon Jun 7 03:24:36 2021 UTC

(3 children)

I think the real culprits are surgery trauma, anesthesia recovery and your body adjusting to a new endocrin reality. The fact is, you're wore out and drained from all of these things a lot more than your want to admit or understand. The dilation is uncomfortable and time consuming and all the other issues make that much harder. It robs you of your motivation and you don't even realize the underlying factors doing it.

What helps is nourishing your body with the fuel it needs to heal (good food) and getting even light exercise, like walking. It's so easy to let the depression take you in the wrong direction here.

Mon Jun 7 16:49:39 2021 UTC

(2 children)

Something to consider! I don't recall having this kind of funk after brain surgery, but I was also 5-6 years younger then. In general, I've been out and about, and eating plenty of good things, so idk.

Mon Jun 7 19:55:29 2021 UTC

(1 child)

Ah, but you didn’t have your testicles removed either.

Mon Jun 7 23:23:29 2021 UTC

(0 children)

Fair.

u/LaurenRossy1

Sun Jun 6 18:13:26 2021 UTC

My thought but: if 50 % of us got to know how hard, painful, and time-consuming dilation is, we would not have had the surgery.

It will pass trust me, you will feel amazing later

u/[deleted]

Mon Jun 7 16:54:56 2021 UTC

Oh i definetly knew pre-srs.

I just didn't understand / fully comprehend.

Each dilation by itself is fine. But it slowly eats away at you, with how often you have to do it. It really screws with your schedule for the first X months, until you finally get fed up and slow down to once or twice daily.

u/meganphone

Sun Jun 6 18:02:42 2021 UTC

It’s a process, for sure. You just have to stay focused on the positives - on the freedoms that having a body that feels right and looks right will eventually bring you. Dilating does feel like an exhausting full time job for a while - because it is. It’ll get better though and one day it won’t feel like a chore anymore. You’ll be able to enjoy your shiny new vagina and it’ll be just another part of you that feels like it’s always been there. Hang in there sis ❤️

u/Forgetwhatitoldyou

Sun Jun 6 23:36:50 2021 UTC

Who do you have to provide emotional and practical support?

Mon Jun 7 16:47:28 2021 UTC

I live with my partner, who's been amazing and supportive throughout, and I've been able to focus solely on my own recovery as a result.

Mon Jun 7 16:52:31 2021 UTC

I take it you've talked with them about this then, and whether there's anything they could do to help.

Post-op depression is normal, even expected. Surgery is traumatic, anaesthesia can cause depression, and you wake up to a sudden change to your body. Plus the post-op care, of course. It sucks now, but you got a good surgical result and a supportive partner.

As much as possible, maybe just try to distract yourself during dilation, and reward yourself after - e.g., some snuggling with your partner.

Mon Jun 7 17:00:15 2021 UTC

I'm not actually sure whether I experienced post op depression because of covid.

I was stuck in covid isolation for 14 days leading up to SRS
stuck in a hospital for a few more days by myself
stuck in a hotel for weeks by myself
then stuck in covid isolation in a different hotel for 14 days... By myself.

Two months alone, with spotty wifi that didn't allow me to voice call people. I attributed my depression to that.

Tue Jun 8 03:59:09 2021 UTC

Yuk. How terrible that must have felt being isolated like that. That bums me out just thinking about it. It's not just a time when you need maximum support from others, it's the intersection of so many points in this struggle and you want to share that intimate and deeply personal accomplishment with those closest to you. I'm really sorry that happened. I hope things turned around and got better for you.

Tue Jun 8 05:52:00 2021 UTC

I had similar feelings a week or 2 after I left the hospital, I send down a dilator size for a bit and worked back up and that helped a lot. Otherwise finding a distraction like a movie or TV show works as well

Dilation and post-op depression

all 14 comments